The DJ Stubblejumper bein in love mothafuckas!

Yo niggaz! When it comez to the ladies, youze gotz to know DJ Stubblejumper be on the gopher booty from sunrise to sundown. Iz aint ever gotten emotional over any women though. When I be seein a woman the only thing I been thinkin about whether or not Iz should be tappin that ass. Well today I be a changed man. I was walkin to Tyrone's gopher hole when I seez a female gopher talkin to Sharonda (Sharonda iz a gopher a few holes down from mine). This gopher (the new chick on the block, not Sharonda) was f-i-n-e fine. I dun sprung me a woody right then and there. And with gopherz bein naked a boner aint easy to hide! Anywaz I couldn't go talk to the new chick then anywayz cuz Sharonda and I gotz a history (I sorta did her in high school behind the shed and told everybody about it and she wuznt too happy about it). Anyway, after a while Sharonda left and as soon as she wuz outta sight I went up and talk to the chick. Her name be Alexus. We talked about the 'hood a bit and she be sayin that she be movin here cuz she gotz family in the area. Tyrone wuz waitin for me (I had to go into town to get some hydroponic gear for him) soze I couldn't be stayin for long and talkin with her.

Alexus

Of course I gotz the digits from Alexus and I been tellin her I be callin later. I continued on to Tyrone's to tell him about the new hot biatch in the 'hood. I getz down the gopher hole and tell Tyrone I seen some hot pu-ssay in the field and I clocked the digits and I be tappin that ass very mothafuckin soon. Tyrone asked me what her name wuz and I sez "Alexus." The next thing I nowz iz Tyrone start gettin all angry and the mothafuckin punched me! I couldn't believe that shit. "What the fuck Tyrone?" I be sayin. Then Tyrone told me that Alexus and Tyrone are brother and sister. Ya, you be hearin me. It turns out that the family wuz seperated years ago durin a thunderstorm (before Tyrone wuz born) and the family thought Alexus and Shanice (there's two sisters!) were dead. But what happened wuz they be washed away into a creek and by the time the sisterz got to dry ground theze wuz miles away and lost. The wuz just finally reunited this week. Tyrone found out yesterday that he havin two sisters. And today he be findin out that iz trying to pound one of them in the ass. Shit...

Da Chronic part 2 mothafuckas!

Aight homeboyz and homegirlz. I went over to Tyrone's place again today to seez howz the weed be growin. Tyrone figurez it almost be ready. Naturally, since Iz a perfectionist I aksed Tyrone if weze can be testin it. Tyrone sez yes and soon as you can be saying 'shalangadang' weze wuz blazin a huge spliff.


I gotz to tell youze boyz and girlz that Tyrone's crop is the shit. Those British Columbia mothafuckas better watch out because Tyrone gotz the hydroponics shit goin on.

After we started blazin we put in a DVD and watched "Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle" again. Youze best believin that between the joint and the movie we had a mad cravin for some White Castle. Of course they aint no White Castle in Saskatchewan (none that I ever seen anywayz) soze we had to go into town to the A and W (cuz their aint nuttin else). Of course we aint down with payin for no food. We parked a few blocks down the street and walked to the A&W. We waited by the drive through window. Some punks in a pickup truck pulled up and ordered mothafuckin Teen burger and fries and shakes. Tyrone and I could already taste it. Damn we wuz hungry. So, when the order wuz ready, we crawled right under the truck window. When the fastfood biatch passed the food to the punks in the truck, we ran up the side of the truck, grabbed the food and ran off. We jacked them mothafuckas for their food right in the drive through! A few moments later we were at the jeep. We jumped in and sped off in case 5-0 be showin up.

On the way back we drove by a farm and saw a fine-looking biatch standing by the side of the road.


We pulled over and introduced ourselvez. She said her name wuz "Luscious." Damn! She said she been turning tricks on the gravel road in front of that farm for the last month. Of course I gotz to thinkin that I could also use another ho in my stable. A pimp alwayz gotz to be lookin out for new talent. Me and Luscious gotz to talkin and befo you know it, she in the back of the jeep and weze headin home. I knowz what ya''l be thinkin - as soon as I gotz home I hit that booty. Well, the DJ Stubblejumper don't roll like that. First of all, I aint down with no sheep - I aint no oreo race traitor. Second of all, a good pimp don't be bangin his own ho's. If you be doin that, all the ho's start gettin jealous of one another etc etc. I aint gotz time for that bull-shit.

Sorry Iz can't be writin more now. Tyrone's chronic gotz me all fucked up...

Richard Gere is a punkass mothafucka!

Wass up niggaz? Well, the DJ Stubblejumper is ready to go down to Hollywood and go on a mothafuckin rampage. I wuz just at Tyrone's gopher hole checkin out how his hydroponic weed operation iz goin. When I wuz there, he wuz tellin me a story about Richard Gere. Tyrone's be telling me lotza people has heard this story before but not me. Tyrone told me that Richard Gere be taking gerbils, shovin them up his ass and he be getting his kicks that way. I first sez to Tyrone that he be talkin bull-shit. But Tyrone sweared to me he aint lyin. I aint ever known Tyrone be saying no lies soze I gotz to believe him. When I realized it be true, youze best believe I wuz angry. Gopherz and gerbilz and kind of like cousins (weze both rodents) soze if someone be harassing a gerbil an O.G. gopher from the hood like me aint gonna put up with it.

When I getz enough money from pimpin and deliverin Tyrone's weed, Iz gonna uze some of the profits to but a ticket to Los Angeles, California and pay a little visit Mr. Richard Mothafucka Gere. Iz gonna take that sucka out gangster style. Any of you punkass Hollywood fools who be stickin rodents up yo ass best be stoppin that before I getz there. Iz gonna start with Richard Gere, but aint gonna stop untilz I getz all the gerbil abusing mothafuckas in Hollywood. Itz on suckas!

It's da chronic mothafuckas!

I gotz a homeboy a few gopher holes down named Tyrone. Weze known each other forever and when weze wuz kidz we be gettin into all sortza trouble together. With me being busy with the rappin and the pimpin I aint seen Tyrone in a long time. I went and seen him and my bro has got the shit all worked out. He dug a gopher hole way the hell outz in the middle of nowhere and he set up an underground hydroponic operation. And youze best believin he aint growin no flowers or any of that shit.

My man Tyrone is growin a crop of whatz gonna be the finest weed around. I knowz everyone be talkin about British Columbia weed and how itz the best and I aint gonna dispute that. But Tyrone is on his game and when he startz somethin he aint stoppin until itz done right. For example, he jacked the electricity for the hydro gear from the farmer. I be doin that allz the time but every once in a while the farmer finds out, pulls the plug and my turntable aint turn no more until I getz set up again. But Tyrone be jackin electricity forever and he aint ever been caught. He just be real careful about where he jackin from and he be spendin a lot of time hidin the electrical wirez and all that shit.

So, sooner or later Tyrone gonna be harvestin a massive crop of ganja. When he do that, of course first thing right off weze gonna be blazin one fatass joint -and probably watch The Big Lebowski again. That shit is dope. After that though, Tyrone gotz to be moving his merchandise from his gopher hole to his customers. Tyrone aint down with selling no chronic to other gopherz, but he aint gotz no problem sellin to the other farm animalz and the to crackerz on the outside. Tyrone's got a problem though - distribution. He aint got no way to move the product. You be knowin and he be knowin, that the DJ is all over that. Just last week I went up to the farmhouse and jacked me a vehicle. Once of the farmer's kids left his radio-controlled jeep outside. When it got dark, I rolled in, hotwired it and brung it back to the gopher hole. The farmer probably thought his dumbass kid just lost it. He bought the kid another vehicle and I jacked that one too! I figurez that me, the jeep and a shipment of Tyrone's chronic be lookin something like this

You know what? Iz gonna be rollin like Ricky, Julian and Bubbles from The Trailer Park Boys mothafuckas! Plus I gotz cash coming in from the ho's and my rhymin is gettin tighter every day. pretty soon iz gonna have all the cash and chronic I could ever want. This niggaz is on da move!

A message to all youze trick-ass Toronto mothafuckas: back off my tip biatch!

Yo niggaz. A while ago I wrapped up a demo tape of my dopest rhymes and sent them off to some record studioz. There aint no record studioz in Saskatchewan so Iz sent them off to a few in Toronto, Ontario. After I sent them off I aint heard nuttin fo a long time. So finally I called them up and asked them what the deal was with my demos. They allz be saying the same thing - they likes my rhymes but they don't think my sound polished enough yet. Polished enough? Yo studio mothafuckas - iz be record my demo tapes in a goddamn gopher hole. Of course it aint gonna be polished. I gotz to worry about the farmer findin out that iz jackin his electricity, the goddamn cows mooing, people interrupting me etc. What the fuck is up with theze punk-ass cracker Toronto mothafuckas? If I wasn't some broke-ass nigga gangsta rapper from the praries fo sure they be signing me already. It's goddamn discriminalization. Goddamn martini sippin Ontario cracker fools. Maybe I should head up to Ontario and sort them out just like this:

That's right Toronto mothafuckas. You keep fuckin with DJ Stubblejumper and one day you gonna be walkin down Yonge Street and lookz up and you seez me putting the A to the mothafuckin K. Biatch!

Yo dawgz! Stick it to Da Man!

Tryin to make a livin theze dayz aint eazy. Especially if some punk-ass mothafucka iz alwayz on yo case and aint ever let up. Itz even harder if youze a gopher tryin to break outta the farm. Some peoplez be helpin you bust outta the hood and help you make it to the big time. But otherz dont want youze to go nowhereze. They be doin everythin they can to keep you under their feet. Iz talking about Da Man. Everywherez you be goin Da Man tryin to keep you down. If youze just a broke-ass nigga gopher from the hood, Da Man aint gonna do nuttin for you. Nuttin. On the farm, Da Man is the farmer.

Farmers are a bunch of racist cracker mothafuckas who aint give a shit about anyone on the farms except demselves and their family. Slavery be outlawed everywhere except for on the farm. On the farm, slavery aint just legal, it's a way of life. Da Man gots slaves everywhere - cows, chickens, pigs etc. And they be doin exactly what the farmer sez or else they get popped. Sometimez they be doin exactly what theze supposed to be doing but still they be getting popped!

Gophers like me ain't no slaves but we aint free either. Da Man can just cap a gopher anytimez he be wantin to and their aint no goddamn thing weze can do about it. Goin to the po-lice aint gonna do a damn thing cuz the whole system iz setup to protect and serve Da Man. I aint goin out like a sucka though. If some punk-ass farmer ever be tryin some bullshit with me I be takin him out gangter style. Just like Public Enemy sez, fight the power. I'll jack his mothafuckin John Deere tractor, ride up to the farmhouse and cap him and his whole goddamn racist mothafucka family. Don't fuck with a nigga gopher from the hood biatch!

Step off punk-ass mothafuckas! I ain't goin down like dat!

Yo Gs. It only been a few dayz since DJ Stubblejumper introduced his pimp-daddy playa hussla door to door ho delivery service. Already some punk-ass mothafuckas gotz to be trying to play me. I wuz makin a ho delivery to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan when some mothafucka by the side of the road flagged me down. It looked like their car wuz havin problemz soze I stopped to help them out. Youze probably knowz that gopherz be a social animal so Iz feel an obligation to help out anyone than be havin troublez - even some redneck whitebread cracker mothafuckas. Howeva, when I stopped my car and got out, theze mothafuckas tried to grab the ho and jack the car. Aint nobody gonna gank a gangster rapper like DJ Stubblejumper!

I hussled over to the first cracker and ran up his leg and didn't stop until I got to his face and bit that cracker until he be bleeding. He be yellin and screamin and started rollin around on the ground. I jumped off and watched him suffer. Damn it felt good broz. The second mofo dun saw what happened and jumped in his car and yelled to the first mofo to get in. I let the first mofo go and they both sped off. I aint no sucka and Iz figurin they might be comin back wit some friendz. So, I grabbed my ho, tossed her in the back seat of the car to keep her safe and I grabbed my gun out of the trunk. It wuz time to put the A to the mothafuckin K. I walked up the road and bit and dug me a little foxhole at the nearest intersection. If thoze mothafuckas came back the wuz gonna get popped. I let the ho out of the backseat for a few minutez - just long enough for her to take a photo of me:

Aint no South Central gangbanging niggaz or Tony Montana or anybody eva looked as tough as I do here. Damn!

I waited for half an hour and finally I heard a car be approaching. I stood up (DJ Stubblejumper aint duckin fo no punk-ass cracker mothafuckas) and got ready to fire. This nigga had his finger on the trigger when the car came into view. It was the same car as befo and full of mofo crackers. The car stopped at the intersection and I screamed "THIS IS FOR HUEY NEWTON MOTHAFUCKAS!" I opened fire and the AK ripped the car apart. The crackers tried to speed away but I dun blew away their tires. They jumped out of the car and hid in the ditch. I yelled again, "YO MOTHAFUCKAS! HOW YA LIKE ME NOW?"

I kept firing away until the clip was empty. The car was just a pile of swiss cheeze metal by then. I popped in another clip in case the crackers tried somethin. I waited for a while and I couldn't hear nuttin. I walked over to my car and jumped in. The ho in the back seat was going bezerk. I told her to shut the fuck up or she would be next. You best believe she aint say nuttin after that. I wuz temped to go over and cap all dem whitebread mofos right then and there but sometimez bidness comes first. I wuz late deliverin the ho and I needed to get goin. As I drove by the place where the crackers wuz hidin I let out one round and yelled out the window, "Lesson learned mothafuckas. Don't mess with us hardcore Prince Albert niggaz. Weze be playin fo keeps." I drove off and not one of the crackers even had the gutz to pop his head out of the ditch. Coward mothafuckas.

After I reached the drop-off point of da ho, she begged me to let her take another photo of me. Ya see, the DJ Stubblejumper is located on such a refined sexilicious plane of existence of magnitude that all da ladiez be wantin a piece - even if the piece just be a photograph.

Pimps up, ho's and whitebread crackers down mothafuckas!